Now we're only falling apart
by Cold-Beanz
Summary: Ragna's life is not a desireable one. Anyone can tell you that, but few are willing to pick up all the broken pieces and try to put them together, even if they cut their hands apart on the edges. (Rated M for language and mature themes, avoid if you struggle with mental health issues as this is heavy on those themes).


Sheets of rain lashed down onto Ragna's head and shoulders, driving a chill further into his bones and adding to the stripes of water inching down his torso.

Under the noise of the storm the sigh he emitted was impossible to hear. He shifted his forearms, making the way he leaned on them against the balcony slightly less painful and letting blood flow back to that area. Since his fight with Nu he'd been moping more than usual- as though just seeing her dredged up the gut-wrenching feelings and memories of the loop. Feeling the sting of blades piercing his body, the tearing pain of being warped into that creature, the dulled terror of knowing oh god he was killing and destroying that's not me please that's not me it hurts stop stop stop-

"Hey Rags! I asked you something. You're not mad at me are you?" Kagura asked.

Slowly, like he was dragging himself out of tar, Ragna surfaced from his gloomier thoughts. They stuck to him. Of course they did; peace wasn't a luxury he deserved (or ever expected), but Kagura was giving him that kicked-puppy look. Probably thinking he had done something annoying and that he was doing it again by talking when Ragna clearly wanted time alone. Coming out onto the roof in the middle of the pouring rain sent a clear message.

 _Or maybe he doesn't overthink things and just hates the weather_ , Ragna briefly thought. Briefly being the keyword, _because being the head of the Duodecium plus all the other crap he's dealing with means of course he overthinks things sometimes. Unlike me, who's just sulking because shit happens that I should've expected. Boo hoo Ragna, you got in a fight- he got in a war._

Frustrated by Ragna's sudden retreat back into his thoughts, Kagura frowned and darted from under the shelter of the doorway out into the open, quickly but carefully making his way over to the other side.

"Dude, what're you doing out here? It's freaking freezing."

Ragna shrugged noncommittally, feeling water run off his shoulders with the movement. What was he supposed to say? The truth? That he came out here because his own thoughts were too heavy to bear, while Noel and the others were carrying their friend's _life_ on their shoulders? While Kagura and Kokonoe risked everything and had to deal with the possibility of anarchy or massive death tolls if they failed? While Celica, who knew she could be thrown into the Lynchpin and be drained of her life in a manner similar to bleeding out- after already having been horribly killed by Terumi once _because he was too damn weak to save her_ , walked around smiling? That while all this shit was happening he was moping on a roof?

"Starting to worry me a little…" Kagura mumbled, forcing one of his less convincing smiles behind the words. If this was nothing serious it could be played off as a joke. But something told him he wasn't wrong to be concerned. Ragna hadn't looked at him since initially noticing him, and he was awake at an ungodly hour, staring down over the railing. Wet hair hung in his face in a way that only served to sharpen the bright red of his right eye, visible from the side profile Kagura was seeing. But his eyes looked duller, like for a second all the overplayed anger and forced cockiness had been shelved. What he was seeing now felt closer to the truth than anything before. And to be honest?

He looked….beaten.

"You should go back inside. It's cold." mumbled Ragna. To Kagura's utter bemusement.

"Says you! You've been out here a lot longer than I have, and I'm pretty sure if anyone's gonna end up sick it'll be you."

 _Take the damn message_. "I wanna stay out for a while. You don't need to be out here, and you've got stuff to do tomorrow, so just go to bed or whatever."

Kagura looked at him for a second, then summoned up all his subtlety and threw it out the window. "I'm not leaving you alone up here when you're wearing your angsty face."

What? Ragna internally winced at the implication. For a short, miserable time he'd been against the railing for a reason but… Kagura didn't think he might… He couldn't've even been paying that much attention between the plotting and the womanizing right? Suddenly Ragna was halfway glad he hadn't opened up earlier. If he'd said how appealing the pavement sometimes looked from high up on bad days Kagura would've tied him down and never let him go.

Bad days had been more frequent recently, but after a time alone things usually calmed enough to let him admire a sunset from a rooftop without wanting to throw himself off. More so recently than ever, though, he'd found getting that time alone and being able to quiet his mind to a bearable level was becoming more difficult. Telling Kagura might make everything easier, right?

Then he turned himself slightly, and took in the easy smile the Black Knight was giving him.

And something inside shattered a little bit more, realising he already knew what was going to happen. It kept splitting further as he smiled back and pushed his way off the railing to head inside, motioning for Kagura to follow. It screamed as he waved and headed into his room with a snarky comment, still not just saying it.

Because the _shining knight_ doesn't need that shit, doesn't need to have a reaper sink its claws into his ankle as he rides past and pull him into that cesspit of pain, the congealed landfill of all Ragna's sizeable emotional baggage. No-one does, but Kagura especially- he didn't need to deal with that.

He deserves better.


End file.
